2004-05-20 - 11:06 p.m.
Notes to My Husband
Okay, those of you who aren't my husband probably don't know that the man works severely whacked-out hours. Theoretically, he's a day-shift employee. In practice, though, "day"-shift at his company seems to include anything after midnight on the next working day.
For example, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, he had to be up at 1:30 a.m. for work. Being the good wife that I am (well, that and the fact that I woke up at 1:26 a.m. for some weird reason anyway), I attempted to give him the personal wake-up call, in addition to the alarm clock.
The man? Is an ass.
The alarm clock went off. He didn't move. I tried to wake him up. He didn't move. I shook him. He didn't move.
I shook him harder. He didn't move.
Perhaps if he'd gone to sleep prior to, oh say, eleven o'clock, he'd have been easier to awaken.
But he didn't do that, so I continued my attempts. I woke him to the point where he spoke, saying, "It isn't hooked up yet," which must have referred to his tractor-trailer combo. I shook him again, attempting to get him beyond the technicalities, only to have him tell me that I needn't be a bitch.
Have I mentioned that he was a TOTAL asshat that night???
Anyway, after much more verbal abuse (on his part) and mental abuse (on my part), Himself finally was pushed/dragged himself out of bed and got himself to work on time.
Fortunately for his health and our marriage, I found a post-it-note message on my computer monitor later that morning which read, "Thank you, sweetie! I love you!" I wondered why there was no apology, but upon whatshisname's return home, I learned that he only remembered being pushed out of bed by me, and nothing prior to that, including references to female canines.
Fortunately, he apologized to me, even though his memory was faulty. I've always said he was bright.
Well, the husband came home this evening and told me he had to be back up at 3:00 a.m. Earlier, he postulated that he needed to be in bed at around 9:00 to accomplish this, especially since he didn't wish to repeat his rudeness of about two days prior. Bright guy.
Well, 9:00 p.m. came and went, as did 10:00 p.m. He was still awake. Around 10:15 I sent him the following message:
My Dearest Husband,
Please go to sleep ASAP. You are incredibly atrractive, but if you make any coments around 3:00 a.m. about me being "bitchy" in waking you, or "bitchy" about the manner in which I'm waking you, you may well end up with a non-surgical plate in the form of a pan embedded in your rather thick skull, cuteness.
Love always,
~Your Wife
You'd think he'd respond to that. You'd be wrong.
Some time later he was still awake. Here is a copy of the next note I printed out for him:
Yo, cuteness,
Several minutes have passed since my last message to you. You are still awake. So am I. The difference here is that I do not have to be awake until 7:00 a.m., whereas you need to be awake around 3:00 a.m.
This would be a difference of four hours or so, just in case your math skills are failing in light of the comparative lateness of the hour.
If you do not cease and desist this repulsive consciousness-thing you have going on, your precious skull may well regret it.
Love always and forever,
~Your Wife
P.S. Which pan would you prefer? The saucepan or the frying pan?
Love, me.
Fortunately for his cranium, he opted for bed at that point.
Wise man.
0 comments so far
�
�
